life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
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i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
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In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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