Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
