Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
