I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
