He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
