I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
