WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
