Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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