why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
