I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
