How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
