Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the condom got lost in my hair
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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