I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
