Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
