As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
