Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
