How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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