I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
