Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
