3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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