Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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