listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
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he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
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Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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