I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
