I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.