he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.