i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"