Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
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I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
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If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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