i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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