I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
