Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
