Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
