Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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