she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
