I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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