Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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