Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
