not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
