Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
