I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
