She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
