Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
