your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
