I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
