Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
