dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
