May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
