ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
