apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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