i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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