i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
