Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
