She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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