and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
