Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
