my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
