my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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