i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
