it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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