i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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