I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
