Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
