My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
