I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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