she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize
