I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
